


Eyes of Others

by melwil



Category: Spooks | MI-5
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-11
Updated: 2011-04-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 22:38:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/182031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melwil/pseuds/melwil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry suffers from his own peculiar narcissism. Spoilers to 5.5</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eyes of Others

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 2007

The grid feels strange and unfamiliar as Harry steps through the pods. He moves across the floor, slow and deliberate. His limbs feel heavy and unbending, like the air surrounding him is made of treacle, holding him back. He keeps looking at the floor, unwilling to meet the eyes of the people around him.

He keeps seeing himself in the eyes of others.

It started long ago, when he first took on a position of power. He looked into the eyes of a new agent and saw the bright shine of enthusiasm which he, himself, still shared. It made him remember the mistakes he made in his first days, the dangers he skirted. He feared for the agent. He kept him away from the dangers which would have taught him what he needed to know.

Harry saw a lot of himself in Tom, in the way he endeavoured to lead a regular life outside the confines of Thames House. When Tom’s relationship with Ellie fell apart, he remembered the way his wife had carried her hurt around with her for years, the way she had pushed him away because she couldn’t cope with the a man like him. When Tom began questioning the service, he remembered his own questions. He couldn’t let Tom become as hard or as immoral as him. He had to let him go.

He was in Danny and Zoe, too, in the way they foolishly trusted that they would always be there for each other. He saw himself in the way they were so easily broken apart. He could still name all the friends who were pulled away from him; he could feel the same pain that they did.

He saw himself in Ruth.

It was something different he saw there. He saw possibilities, a life outside the service. He saw a love of literature and good food and the urge to understand the world around them. He saw a heart that was still beating, even if it was an erratic thump.

He saw a future in her eyes. His future. Their future.

And now she was gone, pulled away from him in a way he would never forget or forgive. She would have left the country, gone exploring, begun a life without him. He wondered how long she would remember him.

He walked through the grid, looking at the floor, ignoring the eyes of the people around him. He didn’t want to see himself anymore.


End file.
